This day sucks in a major way. As E’s post from today describes, the ride is over this cycle. It’s hard to say exactly what I’m feeling right now. Sad is probably what is primary. Let down and afraid are close behind. It is sad, of course, that we aren’t pregnant with our baby. But interestingly enough, that isn’t what is currently causing me the most anguish at the moment. From the start of this cycle, things have been much different than I thought, and the things I have been feeling have been surprising to me. I’m generally quite a logical person, and I had planned to approach this whole journey using the skills I use daily in my job: gather the information, analyze pros and cons to different approaches, proceed with the approach most likely to succeed. So, for this first cycle, for us that meant Clo.mid (since our Doc thought I was ovulating a little later in my cycle than she’d like, and Clo.mid makes things more “predictable”) and 2 IUIs- one they day I got a positive OPK and one the day after. All along we were monitoring follicles, which seemed to be ok, the lining looked ok, the sp.erm looked ok, etc., etc., etc.
What I could not have predicted was that the time leading up to and the actual inseminations themselves (even leaving out the pain of the first one) were so much more stressful and, for lack of a more eloquent word, ICKY than I ever anticipated. As I think E mentioned previously, there isn’t a time I can remember where I had any doubts that I would someday be a mother. Ever since E and I have been committed to each other, we have always KNOWN that we would have a family together and that I would be the one to carry our child(ren). For the last two years as we’ve been getting closer to the point where we knew it would be the “right” time to start a family, I’ve been thinking about how exciting it would be, how joyful; not just to have the baby here, but also the pregnancy and the planning and all of it. So, imagine my surprise at feeling anything BUT joyful in the time leading up to and including the inseminations. A few days into the TWW, things got better; I started thinking to myself at least 100 times a day, “I could be pregnant!” I didn’t really have any symptoms, but I know it’s not terribly uncommon to not feel pregnant until after your missed period. So, by this past Thursday night, I had pretty much convinced myself that I WAS indeed pregnant. And now, after two BFNs and the onset of AF, here I am.
So, like E said, where do we go now? I don’t mean to seem ridiculous- I know that not very many people get pregnant on their first try. I also know that many of you who may read this blog have been through so much more. As I mentioned above, it really isn’t so much that I’m not pregnant, but the thought that despite our best efforts, and having all the right signs, it didn’t work. It makes me afraid that there’s something wrong with me. It makes me sad and apprehensive about going through the process of inseminations again. It makes me worry a bit about finances. This has been more expensive than we thought (early on, we had some info that implied that the procedures at the Doc’s would be covered; they’re not).
I’m sure we’ll rally after this disappointing day. E is the best wife any gal could have. I know we’ll make it on to the next round together, whether that’s in May, June or later. I just have to say- this day really sucks.
It’s so hard. It’s so hard to think “this is it!” only to see the undeniable evidence that it isn’t. Take a break – whatever you need – and then get back to it. It will definitely happen for you two. Just keep believing.
Hey ladies-
we are very sorry for the bad news. we are keeping you in our thoughts. we’re all going to make it next time! take care of eachother. sending you good thoughts-
Oh, I’m sorry to hear this wasn’t your month! It’s so hard to feel that you’ve done everything right and it *still* didn’t work. Something we did that helped me was to try to change something each cycle, like give up caffeine for a cycle, or tweak our timing, or use a different set of monitoring tools. It helped me keep from feeling like we were just repeating the same thing over and over and gave me a concrete reason to feel hopeful each cycle. Hang in there!
i know these feelings. know them very well. it IS hard. and it’s exhausting to think of doing it over & over again. and the self-doubt can be excrutiating. that is probably the hardest thing for me – fearing that i’m somehow “broken.” my heart goes out to you because cd1 DOES suck. the only good thing is that (hopefully) ovulation is right around the corner as well as the possibility of “this might be the one that works.” sometimes that’s all we have to cling to.
i know perhaps this isn’t the cheery reply you might have been hoping for, but i wanted to let you know that what you’re BOTH feeling is completely valid, normal, and hard to grapple with. you’re not alone in the fears & disappointment. just as you won’t be alone in the joy & happiness once something positive does happen! you’re both in my thoughts!
It does suck. There’s no way around it.
We approached the TTC process logically as well. We knew exactly when Lois ovulated, we were putting healthy swimmers right into her uterus 24 hours after she ovulated, why the hell wasn’t it working??
We did get pregnant on the first try. Then 13 weeks later, we miscarried. I know this probably won’t come across the way I intended it, but it really put things into perspective for us.
I guess we became more positive in a way that didn’t make the next several months of disappointment any easier, but we didn’t take it for granted anymore.
The TTC journey is a roller coaster ride. I know how bitter I was at everyone who was pregnant and had a baby (especially those straight friends who got pregnant BY ACCIDENT!) Now, we have a child and I know our friends who are still trying are harboring slight painful feelings about us. You can’t help it.
We were anxious, excited, negative, optimistic, frightened, nervous and frantic every month. I guess we learned to believe in fate in some way.
We wish you lots of luck! i guess this whole blogging thing really helps too! Everyone we’ve connected to on the internets through our blogging interests have been through the same thing and everyone UNDERSTANDS!
Sending you good thoughts and motivation to look towards the next attempt!
Lots of love, Holly
Rats! I was hoping someone would get lucky this time.
The trials and tribulations of TTC are definitely tolling. I know I’m sick of it. Hang in there. Babies are around the corner for us all ….. I hope!
i’m sorry it did not work. it’s so very hard. it never gets any easier. hang in there.
I’m sorry ladies. Like I told Sara and Erin…say it with me “June will be our month!”