Once upon a time…

there were two lovely ladies who wanted to start a family. So they researched and googled, discovered blogland, spoke to friends IRL, temped, POAS, visited the doctor, learned the lingo, you name it, all in the effort of achieving (and maintaining) a positive HPT.

But 2007 decided it would not play nice, and coupled with extraneous stressors, the journey soon took a turn down a deep, dark path, which forced both of the ladies to rethink what it was they were trying to accomplish, and how far were they willing to go. Knowing they had only touched the tip of the iceberg of TTC left them wondering, and doubting, and fearful of what was (or was not) to come.

After taking a long break, and beginning to ramp back up for new tries in 2008, fate (is there such a thing?) stepped in. Suddenly, everything changed.

The Friday before Christmas, their adoption attorney who they had met with earlier in the year to discuss the State’s co-parent adoption laws rang with some interesting and surprising news: a client, whom she had worked with previously, was pregnant once more, found herself in jail, and with a due date less than a few weeks away, wanted to place her child up for adoption.

The history of the birth mom was long, but what they knew at this time was that the due date was early January, there are other siblings who have been adopted to other families, and the kicker: the birth mom had been on m*th almost every day of the pregnancy. Thus began the craziness and chaos of xmas ‘07 that became the reason for the story today.

The ladies had a crash course lesson (and experience) in the nature of the beast that is the local jail system, and found in themselves advocates which were just being born. Many tears and many fears followed, the story changing direction every time the phone rang, leaving the ladies in waiting (were they really going through with this?) scared and confused. More questions were asked and left unanswered, all the while the biggest questions of all (would it be healthy? would it matter?) remained elusive and unattainable.

During this time, a leaky dishwasher forced the removal of the kitchen floor, which turned into an asbestos abatement/mold remediation/nightmare and forced them to live in a hotel or with family (for a grand total of 6 weeks), only added to the stress.

But on January 16, everything changed, once again. And all the fear, confusion, anticipation, excitement, joy, and anxiety shifted, for their son had been born. And in a little less than 15 hours from the moment he came into the world, they held him in their arms, filled with so much overwhelming joy, confusing sadness (for the birth mom who we will always be an advocate for), and fear for how things would play out that it’s just too much to put into words.

So perhaps, at this time, without further ado, I present to you, our son, H - 3-1/2 weeks.

His arrival, unexpected; his journey, adventurous (even before arriving in our lives); his story (from the very beginning 9 months ago), a miracle.

As for what this all means in terms of our presence in blogland, we’ve yet to determine. But we thought we’d give a little update, even if it lacks a LOT of explanation, and then figure it out as we go along.

Free at last… (SW)

From lecturing, that is.

HOORAY, I just gave my final lecture of the semester. Not my best work, I’m SO burned out, but at least it’s over with! The semester has flown by. It’s been more fun than I thought it would be, but also SOOOO time consuming and intense. I’m looking forward to the upcoming weekend, the first one since I can’t remember when that I haven’t had to work.

So, what have we been up to these past months since we haven’t been posting… Well, in addition to crazy work schedules, just mostly trying to get our heads on straight. E was very kind in her posts describing some of our reasons for taking this break from TTC. She didn’t come out and say that it was mostly because I lost my head and got quite depressed. TTC wasn’t the only factor contributing, but the cycles of high hopes followed by BFNs certainly didn’t help. I needed to get some perspective back, to remember why we were doing this in the first place and try to figure out how I got to such a low point so that when we resumed I could avoid going there again.

We did an au naturale cycle in October (i.e. unmedicated, at home insems). It did result in a BFN, but in stark contrast to our other cycles it was a fantastic experience. We were both so much more relaxed over all, and even though the BFN hurt as much as it always does, I would say that even that was easier to recover from. No matter what eventual path leads us to our BFP and our baby, I think I’ll always remember that cycle and be grateful for it.

For now, we’re on hold again until the new year. Honestly, I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2007. It’s been a tough one. Adjusting to living in this new place and coming up to speed in a new job are big enough challenges. TTC sort of overloaded the circuit. One change we’re making is a possible switch to a new clinic. I’m going for a consult on January 2, because I’m fed up with the randomness that reigns supreme at the clinic we’ve used previously. Don’t know what approach we’ll take when we start back up, but start sending good vibes our way starting January!!

Happy Holidays to all of our blog buddies out there, and best of luck in your upcoming TTC cycles or remaining trimesters!

Getting a little dusty around here

Hola fellow blog readers, for any who might remain.

It’s a balmy, on the verge of rainy, humid, 60-degree day here in the middle of nowhere. I’m back at my old coffee shop haunt, taking advantage of the fact the the students have the entire week off, so it’s pretty quiet for a jumpin’ java hangout, and I can jam to my tunes and get some work done.

Things here are moving along. SW is coming to the end of her first semester teaching, and she has been so cute during the process. At first she was really nervous and scared, and now I think she’s grown to love it, and look forward to the days she has to teach. She just got a great honor of getting published in a “high-impact” journal, so we’re keeping our fingers crossed this leads her down the road to garner the funding she will need to continue her research. My job seems to be picking up more than it was before, though it’s still slow and frustrating and all-in-all a bit disappointing at the moment. But, I have high hopes, and soon enough I feel things will change. So if I can just hold on a bit longer, then perhaps it will all start to come together.

As for TTC-world, there’s not much to report. We took a break in August and September, and did a “what the heck” try in October. Didn’t work, dug up some old feelings, and now for various reasons we’re back in TTC-hibernation, but it’s all good. We’re in much better places now then we were a few months ago, which at this time is what is important. I never thought it would take us this long (which compared to many of you isn’t that long at all!), but I know eventually our day will come. As of now we’re breaking until the end of the year…just too much going on in finishing out the semester, too much anticipated family stress, and just doing a lot of traveling which will make the logistics a bit precarious.

So, with one family visit for thxgvng already in the books, we’re preparing for another starting tomorrow, but this one should be less chaotic and stressful, even when there will be double the numbers of people there.

Well, I guess I better get back to it!  Hope everyone is doing well - and please don’t interpret our comment-silence on a lack of thinking about people.  We’re trying to keep up as much as we can, and we’re thinking about everyone a lot and wishing everyone well!

Til next time, Happy Turkey day (or non-turkey day, for the veggies in the crowd!) to everyone, and we’ll catch up with you all a little later!

We’re still here.

Hola, fellow bloggers. Whoever might still be lurking around, thanks for sticking with us.

There’s not much to report, actually, except to say that the break is doing us good. Real good. It feels like our lives are getting back on track, or at least we’re getting back on the right track, wherever it might lead. I think the stressors we experienced during the TTC were inevitable, but throwing them on top of all the other crap happening in our lives, it just all became too much. Unfortunately, nothing else could really be thrown to the side like TTC, and despite it being a difficult choice, it was the best one for us.

We’re like different people. We’re smiling again, and I’ve had more productive days at work in the last week than I’ve had in the last year at this job. It’s like the world has opened up to me for the first time in a long time, and the clouds that were looming in my brain have finally dwindled away, leaving room for clarity in thinking. In future references to this time, I will probably speak of it as my dark period, since I cannot recall a time more dark and dreary than the last 8 months, and that includes the period of time around coming out to our families, which was no cakewalk.

So, what are we doing these days? Well, SW is off to a fast and furious start with her first semester of teaching. She was able to forgo teaching for the first year so she could get her lab off the ground, but now she’s running full-speed ahead, teaching a course that she’s had to design from scratch, applying for grants, and still maintaining her research. But things are falling into place for her - just this week she got a manuscript accepted to a top-notch journal for her field, and this is quite an achievement for someone this early in their career. I’ve been told that as a reward I should be looking for gifts from places such as T*ffany’s, but I believe we both know that it will just be knocking back some yummy margaritas and splitting fajitas at our local Mexican restaurant - all together totaling about 20$ including tip. I love my wife dearly, and am very proud of her, but T*ffany’s will have to wait. For now.

Let’s see, what else has been happening? I was actually the photographer at SW’s sister’s wedding a couple of weekends back. That was both a nerve-wracking and great learning experience. Whatever thoughts I had about possibly pursuing wedding photography as a side business have pretty much flown out the window. Maybe one day FAR down the road I will reconsider, but for now, I will just enjoy going back to the bleacher seats and taking my own photos. For those of you who know about Etsy, I’m considering opening up a store there one day soon. I need to figure out some logistics first, but I’m hoping by the end of October to have it up and running. Will start off small, and if anything, it might be a little money on the side. That is, if anyone cares to buy anything!

In terms of TTC, though we have yet to officially decide, it is looking like November will probably be the month we start back up. In an attempt to not become too swept up in it all again, I’ll forgo our thoughts on how we might go about it. (We’ll probably stay low-tech the first couple of months, but who knows.)

That’s all for now folks. To close, I will leave you with another TTotW. It’s a discussion on the definition of space, and I found it both interesting and kind of funny, particularly around the concept of adding “nature” to the spaces.

TTotW

Ok blog friends. Since we are in the midst of a break, and in an effort to not allow the blog to collect too much dust, I am branching out. I am attempting to expand my blog world of topics to talk about.

One of my favorite sites out on the internets is TED. It stands for Technology, Entertainment, Design. It started a number of years ago, and is a by-invitation-only event, but they have recently (don’t know how recently, I only learned about it several months ago) started putting videos of the talks online. They are amazing. And inspiring.

My favorites list in my TED account is growing ever long, so I though perhaps I would share some of them with all of you. I’m a geek/sap for this kind of stuff, and currently these videos rank second on my “must-see-tv” list, only falling slightly behind my decades-long obsession with the G*lden G*rls.

So, here we go. Given my frame of mind as of late, and how I seem to be struggling with life decisions, and moving towards my potential (which also means moving head-on towards my fears), I share with you my first TED Talk of the Week* (TTotW).

What does attempting to ski across the North Pole have to do with my life? Well, it’s more a matter of the “morale of the story” than anything else. Plus, I LOVE winter life, snow, and all things cold.

* It’s about 18 minutes, which I know most of us don’t have that much time in our day to spend dinking around watching a video, but if you so choose, I hope you enjoy!

What a difference…

a break makes.

Sorry for the silence, but there really hasn’t been much happening in our neck of the woods.  Well, I’m not certain that’s entirely true.

SW is in the final stages of preparing to teach her first course of college kids this semester (her first class is this Thursday).  She is so cute and professorly putting her slides together, trying to figure out what scale she is going to grade on, and how she is going to test their knowledge throughout the semester.  I kind of wish I could sit in on one of her classes one day, and just see her in action.  Luckily, I am not one of her students, otherwise I would probably not pass the class considering I would be crushing on her the entire time.  tee-hee.  But I digress.

Despite a bit of sadness over taking a break, I must say, at least for me, it’s like night and day.  The clouds have lifted from the sky, and in some ways, I feel free.  I think maybe SW does feel free as well, she even stopped POAS around day 12, and put the monitor away in a drawer.  At first, I thought maybe she should still do that, since the monitor grows sensitive to your cycles and can predict more accurately.  But I know for her, if we were going to break, it was going to be a complete one.  No need for reminders.

In the end,  it just wasn’t going as we had planned, which was the first issue.  On top of the other stressors we had in our life, it probably wasn’t the best time to add this one as well (not that there ever is a perfect time to start this process), which we ended up focusing so strongly on in an effort to avoid the other stressors and adjustments we needed to make since moving here.  And when we started tallying the cost of 6 months of appointments, trying, consultations, etc, we realized that we were sacrificing certain financial goals that were really important to us.

At first we decided if we were going to do this, we were going to do it all out.  But now, looking back, and the costs that we incurred (at first insurance was going to pay, then not, then yes, then not, then some, and they did pay for some, but now, nothing, and we actually owe even more for things that were covered, and now been denied).  Honestly, I never wanted to do “baby on a budget”.  Though SW has been really good throughout the years for me in making me realize that I don’t always need the best of everything (she was the oldest of 7, I was the youngest of 2, and seven years separated my sister and I, so in essence, I was like an only child and was treated as such), there are times when I feel that spending extra money is warranted, and this was one of those times.  But now, looking back, and beginning to look forward on how our next tries might proceed, baby on a budget is definitely looking more like the way i want to go.

How long will the break last?  I have no idea.  I’m not certain SW does either.  In my mind, I think I would like to not start up again until the beginning of the year.  Between her class, applying for grants, trying to get research papers published, etc…between me trying to find a way to like my job, to truly learn and understand who I am (there are many things that have come to light in terms of realizations about myself…mainly how I have never really felt like I am worth fighting for…stemming from some confidence and insecurity issues), and to be comfortable with the idea that we are going to be in this place (location-wise) for a while…  Let’s just say that in the 3 weeks since we put TTC on the shelf, I have learned and realized more about myself than ever before.  And it’s good to be able to focus on that stuff, and for SW and I to support each other in these endeavors, and not have TTC hanging over our heads.

So, here we are.  The kids are back, and campus is a plethora of activity.  I’m slowly getting some things done at my job, while still painful, but is a work in progress.  I’m also starting to seriously consider going back to school, since I believe I have found my fellow people on this campus, and they appear to be residing in the Urb*n Pl*nning department.  It’s a field I’ve had a lot of interest in the last few years, and I believe now, I’m finally going to do something about it.  We’ll see.

That’s about it.  Thanks to everyone for their support, and just so you know:  SW and I were following the same, and yet different, blogs throughout this time.  For those that SW would leave a lot of comments on - she’s been taking a break from reading any of the blogs (in fact, I believe she deleted her RSS feeds), though it doesn’t mean that she isn’t thinking about you all.

I will hopefully come up with better and funnier things to blog about in the future. 

Simpsonize-us.

Us - Simpsonized.

Funny thing? We’ve never watched them!

Oh, and SW (on the left) is about 5 inches taller than me. And DS, our pooch, is black.

Ahhh, a break.

Well, campers, this post is to let you all know, those that have stuck around (thank you for your support!), that we are taking a break, but without really saying that we are taking a break.  Because who knows how long, if at all, it will last!

Hehe…it seems like a lot of things have come to light lately, and because of that, we need to regroup before we continue on this journey.  Of course, hindsight being what it is, the writing was on the wall much sooner than we realized.

Somethings we have learned from this journey thus far:

1. The last 6-8 months (yes, much of the craziness precedes TTC) have been the second most stressful times during both of our lives, only being outranked by each of the times we came out to our families.
2. Perhaps during one of the most stressful times in your life, adding the TTC journey to the list is not the best choice.

The TTC journey is stressful to begin with, but the emotions and chaos that has been our TTC journey thus far, did not have to be that way.  But it is what it is, and we are where we are, which is at a point for needing to regroup and get back to solid ground.  And at this time, the only “expendable” variable to remove from our craziness is TTC.  Not an easy choice to consider, mind you.  But one that we both feel, while a hard decision to make, is warranted.

See, we both made major life changes in the last year, and we were niave to think that just b/c we were moving back to an area that we were familiar with (but never thought in a million years we would live), starting completely new/different jobs (in the same field, but different in scope…but it took me 4 months to find my job that to this day I’m not happy with), that the transition would be a lot smoother than what it has been.  But it hasn’t.  The biggest stressors in our lives right now have nothing to do with TTC, but more along the lines of trying to figure out whether we are where we should be.

Now, in all of this, I am not talking even in the slightest in terms of our relationship.  What this whole process has taught both of us is that after 12 years, we are as solid as ever.

So, we’re forging a new path, and taking control of where we are at.  Just b/c SW is not POAS every day, this break in TTC doesn’t necessarily mean a break in blogging.

I don’t see this as any kind of end, but really, as a new beginning.

Randomness

Thanks go out to Sara for tagging us. I agree, I believe this will be a glorious distraction (since we both decided today that we are sick, sick, sick of TTC).

Here are the rules: Let others know who tagged you.  Players start with 8 random facts about themselves. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

Since SW has already filled one of these surveys out before, she mentioned that I should do one about myself.  Since I haven’t been blogging lately (been having a bad couple of months, outside of TTC), I thought I would get back out there.

1. SW and I met almost 13 years ago (we’ve been together for over 12). We were both freshmen in college, and by chance a high school classmate of hers (her graduating class was well over 500, but this classmate was one of the top smarties, just like my wife) was roommates with our good friend Mel, who just happened to be in many of my classes since we had the same major. Mel and I forged a strong bond, and it wasn’t until later in the fall that I met her extended circle, which included SW, and the rest of our friends that to this day are our closest confidants. The following spring (of ‘95) SW and I got together, and the rest, as they say, is history. 12+ years worth. So yeah, she’s my one and only. Literally.

2.  I have broken each of my collarbones.  The first time, I was about 1-1/2 years old, and it’s one of the only memories I have as a kid.  My family was at our family friend’s house, and instead of being asleep on the living room couch, I was playing with my blanket, and placing it around my shoulders like a cape.  Then, I proceeded to step to the edge of the couch, put my arms out, and jumped.  Only I landed on my collarbone, and during one of the worst snowstorms in history (in our area), my parents had to take me to the hospital.  Cut to 1999, I had just moved to Boston, and joined the Intramural Co-ed, beginner, NO CONTACT ice hockey team for my grad school.  Well, someone forgot to tell our opponents that it was NO CONTACT, and a 6-foot fella, who must have mistaken my mad skating skills (aka I was barely able to hold myself up) during our game skated towards me, buried his shoulder, and checked me straight on my right collarbone.  I heard it snap, was thrown up in the air, landed on the ice, and well, let’s just say they played the sirens for me on my ambulance ride to the ER.  And in my state, it was a fabulous trip.

3.  In the Spring of 1995, I won first place in an indoor rowing competition in my age and weight class (I am 5′3″, and I was competing against girls who I barely came up to their armpits).  Because of this, I was ranked 45 in the world in my age and weight class. (Oh, how the mighty have fallen!)

4.  For 4th of July fun, my family shoots off an anvil, which involves a heavy metal square block that weighs about 50 pounds, fill it with gun powder, place a piece of paper on top (to be used as a lighting device which gives you time to run away), and then the anvil on top (which weighs about another 50 pounds).  Let’s just say it’s a big BOOM that will rattle the windows of houses far down the country road.  Oh, and they shoot off rifles and shotguns for New Years.  Yes, I know.

5.  Not that I should brag about this, but I saw the current Prez two times, in person, in two weeks.  The first time was at a “town hall”-type meeting that I was invited to as part of the agency I worked for in DC.  He was only about 20 feet away.  The second time was when a friend of mine scored two tickets to the inauguration ceremony.  Though I have zero respect for the man, to see the institution in action is quite awe-inspiring.  Do I wish I had been lucky to see a more favorable Prez in action?  Yeah.  Would I have traded these opportunities, no.

6.  I had my first boyfriend in 5th grade, who I proceeded to beat up with a desk chair before class one morning (I’m sure he said something stupid).  The next boyfriend, same grade, got a punch to the jaw for claiming I had fr*nch kissed him (when I had to be told what fr*nch kiss meant before I punched his lights out).  My other two boyfriends, in high school, well, the longest relationship lasted 9 months, and in that time, we got as far as holding hands.  So was the writing on the wall?  Yeah.  (About the fact that I am gay, not that I enjoy beating people.)

7.  As SW just told me, I can talk until I’m blue in the face, about nothing at all, but I can’t think of enough random facts about myself (I’ve asked her to help me, but she won’t).

8.  I am in the beginning stages of researching, contemplating, and seriously considering starting a side business in photography.

So, there you have it.  I would love to tag people, but everyone I know has been tagged already.  So thanks again, Sara, for sending the love our way.  Hope everyone is doing well, and now I will go back into hiding. 

Another day, another cycle (SW)

The proverbial fat lady finally sang yesterday.  Today is CD2 of Cycle 5.  I won’t whine too much, but I just have to say that getting BFNs and getting AF shortly thereafter is not getting easier, it’s getting harder.  Not sure if cycle 5 will even be a real try.  If we do try, it’s going to be “au naturale,” which means theoretically a lower success rate than the methods we’ve been using.  However, our current success rate is 0%, so I guess it can’t get lower than that.
Regardless, we’ll pick ourselves back up and move forward.  There’s really no other option.